London’s bridge is falling down, falling down…

*The following account may, or may not, be based on actual events. The names of actual people is purely coincidental.*


Meet Shandine. She is a 6 year old girl in love with Tinkerbell. Singing endlessly, mile after mile, she serennaded the car’s passengers with love songs to her faery.

Shandine is Jessica’s niece. They were walking north from Phoenix; Pine bound. Young though she was, she walked with the other passengers down into Tonto National Park, and stood near the famous Tonto natural bridge. Here she witnessed the end of one of nature’s most horrifying specimens.

They’re not native to Arizona, but park cameras were able to capture a picture of this disturbing creature. It’s no wonder Shandine looks so afraid…


Behold the elusive Scott, far from his native habitat. Notice the wolfish fangs that gleam from the Scott’s deceiving smile. It is said that apes only smile as a warning, and the greater the smile, the greater the danger. The same is true of the Scott. What the Scott does not realize is that this natural bridge is about to be toppled by one of his most deadly enemies.

Meet Charlotte.


Charlotte is from Birmingham, England. Folks on this side of the Atlantic know her only as “London.” London first met the Scott during the wild spring of 2003 when the Scott and London rendezvoused in Britain for passionate carousing over the course of 2 weeks – hostels were crashed, hearts were broken – and their affair ended when the Scott left London stranded in Edinburgh, after having stolen her purse. He returned to the States.

Years went by. London followed the Scott to Minneapolis, having learned about his whereabouts through her cousin, a notorious ghetto squirrel named “Squeakie.” They say he ran 50 kilos of nuts across the border; he used 3 cars, and did it in one weekend. Squeakie and the Scott often ran together down at the horse tracks. The Scott was currently in the hole with Squeakie a pretty penny over a failed nut run. London offered to pay off the debts in exchange for the Scott.

London and Squeakie cornered the Scott in his small apartment. Witnesses confirm several shots were fired, and in the Scott’s frantic escape down the fire alley, Squeakie was shot and killed.

London vowed revenge against the Scott. She pursued him into the mountains of Norway, and ran back and forth across the Atlantic, from Minneapolis to Michigan, always one step behind. The Scott knew he kept a step ahead of her, but fearing her reprisal, he finally attempted a crazy venture; he rented a car, taking it as far West as he could afford, finally stopping in Seattle.

He went underground, living in a crack house and keeping himself off the nuts. He was glad to find that squirrels were rare in Seattle, and over time he got comfortable.

Too comfortable.

London caught up with him through an ex-boyfriend passing through Seattle on his way to Portland; He saw Scott drunk, and hanging off the Space Needle singing some ridiculous song about Norway. He notified London, and one one-way ticket later, the vendetta was back on.

The Scott had some friends in Seattle, mostly by giving away the nuts he was given, and one of these friends warned him about London’s arrival. Scott panicked, rented a car, and took off for the only place he knew London wouldn’t follow – Arizona desert.

The Scott was wrong.

London’s friends were plentiful – sympathetic to the death of her cousin, however notorious – and one of these was Shandine, also known as “My Fair Lady.” The Scott picked up Shandine, her aunt and some of their friends, outside of Phoenix. Confident that London was left behind, the Scott went with them on a hiking trip up to Tonto National Park.

His burial ground.

The final showdown was anti-climatic. The Scott had stayed one step ahead of London for so long, when he finally saw her plunge the dynamite – off in the distance – he did the only thing he could.

He smiled.

Shandine witnessed the whole thing. She swears London cried when the bridge collapsed.

London walked to the rubble carrying an instrument case. Inside was a flute.

She began to play. It was a lover’s dirge, and she played it low and sweet.


Shandine listened. And she listened. Then she began to sing:

London’s bridge is falling down, falling down,

London’s bridge is falling down,

My Fair Lady.

Published in: on April 1, 2008 at 5:20 am  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Fun, Scott! I don’t think I did anything to take advantage of April Fools. The closest I came was wishing my aunt a very happy birthday… but that’s for real, no foolin’. :o)

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